Are some things too private to blog?
This matter still weighs heavily on my mind and I came to the conclusion that to NOT blog would be unfaithful to my true self. I set this up to document my life and this is something that I should remember and not be ashamed of. I'm not ashamed I took a step forward. I'm not ashamed that that step wasn't a step but a lesson about life. Whatever happens happens for a reason, and I'm determined to learn from it and move on.
I think about what went awry and I've yet to come up with a plausible answer. I've gone over it in my mind over and over and over again, and... What the heck went wrong? I don't know, and after much analyzing I'm beginning not to care. Matters of the heart cannot be forced, but then it wasn't quite close to the heart. It was more of curiosity and eagerness to explore the possibility of something good I guess. Yet I felt sad. Zona said because he was already a friend.
But some things are too private to blog, and for certain reasons. Only Zona knows about this. Well Kim as well, but Kim is in Perth so the distance adds a different factor altogether. And the interesting question is why is it only Zona and Kim who knows? Why have I not talked about this to others? Is it the fear of discovery and condemnation, or is it self-abhorrence that I kept it so hush-hushed?
Maybe I was acting out on my Island Dream. Last year when I was with Will, we talked about how we dream about others and how it affects our future indirectly. Will would tell me about his dreams of me but I couldn't tell him mine coz I never dreamt about him. He was most offended. During that period, I did have a dream. I dreamt that I was on a deserted island, with clear crystal blue waters and powder soft white sand between my toes. I had on a Grecian style blue dress on and I was on a rickety wooden dock. Waiting. My face was turned towards to ocean breeze and I've never felt so alone in my entire life. The feeling was that of an empty heart and I was waiting for something or someone I don't know. I felt very much alone and yet I wasn't sad.
I am a vessel half full. I wait still...
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