Crossed wires?
Bloody 'ell, I'm cheesed off right now. I just read a reply to my posting on a certain site. I posted a question pertaining to a certain trip that is happening this weekend. The reply I got left me with a distinctive bad taste in my mouth and me squirming on my chair to reply with a salvo. But I didn't. I held myself back coz it wouldn't do to sour a friendship. I read the reply SEVERAL times to make sure I didn't get the tone wrong. Even with the 'lol' added behind, I felt as though the message was suppose to put me in my place, intentionally or unintentionally I have no idea. I wrote several scathing replies but deleted them all and instead settled on one that was... lukewarm. It could be a miscommunication or I'm getting really edgy in my jobless state. Pulling in my claws felt... contemptible... when I wanted to slash and maim. God, I'm so catty. Maybe I should start wearing those bags of pepper I scattered in my back yard... *Hissst*
I guess I am edgy. Lately I've been feeling blah and anti-social. The thought of going to a shopping mall with thousands of people inhabiting the same space is enough to trigger a mild temper. I had a small blowup just a few days ago about this. My sister insisted I go and sit at Starbucks or something and enjoy being out. If I wanna be out I'd choose someplace quiet and secluded. OR someplace where I can't think - like a nightclub where the music is blasting away and I'm all alone. Nothing else exist outside my cacoon of music. I realise my dancing is a form of escapism. I do not go there for the people. I go there to escape in my own way - loud, unabashed music. So, why on earth would I want to go to a place that is full of noisy and rude beings? Naturally, I over-reacted. Sigh... I wish I didn't. But my beligerence was overpowering to a certain degree. Nowadays, I react most unpleasently when challenged. Yes I know I'm choosy when it comes to getting a job. I DO NOT need anyone to tell me that. Talking and looking at my mom and sisters are enough to remind me of that pertinent fact. I know I should be out there working, to repay them in however way I can. I am so thankful for their support. For without them I would have sunk a long time ago. THEY are the best. Hmm.. on that thought, I feel better now.
I pondered the issue of putting too much in my blog, the issue of putting my life out there for anyone and anything to read and scheme with and laugh and tsked at, but here I am, ready to push the Publish button. I started out with the intention to get my writing back. I think I still have a long way to go but at least I'm making progress. But honestly, blogging, for me, is another form of escapism. Which brings me to the question: What am I trying to escape from?
No comments:
Post a Comment