...nolens volens...

I know I have been slack in updating my blog, but I've been real busy the past one week plus.

First I had to take two days off to fly home to Kota Bharu on Wednesday night for my dad's anniversary on the 25th June.

She was in a frenzy. There were things that needed to be done now but external factors were causing a bottleneck in her schedule. She did the best she could and packed some work to bring home with her. At 7pm, she rushed home, finished packing and got a cab to KLIA with her sister and mother. There, they boarded the 9.30pm flight to KBR. On her shoulder, she shouldered a heavy rectangular bag bulging with her laptop and a ton of paperwork. Her fingers brushed continuously against the bump, she sighed. She knew that the next two days were gonna be hell.

His cataract-covered eyes starred hard at her but he couldn't make out who she was, but she smelled familiar. He gingerly takes a few more steps towards this familiar blurry figure. He extended his nose and sniffs her palm. His tail began wagging, the motion diminished by the ravages of Time, his eyes, dulled by inactivity and age, brightened somewhat or so her heart tells her. He jumps furtively on her legs, trying to lick her face. It was good to be with Patches again.

We couldn't stay in the house as it was too dusty from long periods of absence, thus we had to deviate to my auntie's big house for the night. Han Wei was back from Europe. He looks better now - he's a vegetarian and he does yoga. It is amazing when people have such strong wills to change their lifestyle for the benefit of their life and health. It only brings into harsh light my own inability to do so. Or maybe I just don't care about myself. Do I love myself? How do I love myself? *shrug*


Vengeance shall be mine!

We started our massive house-cleaning project and it was backbreaking work. Mom and sis tackled the inside, I got stuck with the outside and what a nightmare it was.


Patches is forever by her side and she reaches over to pet him from time to time as she went around tidying the pots and gardening stuff.

There were pots of plants everywhere, and behind every earthenware were clumps of black stuff, fur balls, leaves, dirt and cute long creepy crawlies.

She snaps on a pair of gloves, and started picking up that stuff by hand. But when she tried to pick up the black stuff, it fell apart in her hands and started crawling away! She leans in for a closer look and recoiled in disgust! The clumps of black stuff were balls of ticks, tiny brown bodies and legs tangled in a clump of horror!

She gave a little roar, grabbed the bug spray and fired on the escaping ticks! The more she sprayed the more there were! Where were these things coming from??? She covers her nose and looks closer. There were black stuff on the walls too! They were crawling up and down the porch walls; it was akin to rush hour hell!

The deathly chemical fumes triggered a stampede of tiny feet, and hundreds began pouring out from their niches! Some even fell on her like rain. She squeals and frantically brushed herself off and ran out of the porch, vowing vengeance upon those bloodsuckers.

Suddenly, she mutters an expletive. There must be hundreds on Patches then! She strides over to him, bends down and pats him all over on the back. Under her fingers, she feels clumps. She swiped at the dense fur... there, there were at least 50 tiny bodies clustered around a red patch of skin. There were many more clumps all over his body. They were sucking her baby to death.

So yeah, I spent the whole day spraying the little suckers to death. Then I poured Clorox all over the floor, making sure that Patches was tied up and well away from that stuff. Of course I was thinking of him the whole time and forgot about myself. I was careless and I think I got some on my feet. I only noticed my carelessness when I felt pain. I looked down - a small section of my big toe's nail was brownish- black. Great, just great. Even though I washed it as best as I could, the damage was done. *puff virtual bangs* after I bathe Patches with shampoo and a petroleum-mixxed concoction mom got from Dr. Leong and then shampoo again. After his bath I sat down for a long session of hide and seek with the little suckers with a tweezers. It was the only way I could get them off him. They were EVERYWHERE. Anyway, after that, I took a loooooooong shower - must have used up the whole tank methinks. Mom complained that there wasn't much water left when it was her time to shower. Eeeeps.

Of course there were lots of cleaning to do the next day and all but I shan't bore myself with a rehash. I also had to do work whilst cleaning the house. Every few hours, I would log on into the Net to check and reply my emails or call the office or call people about work, finalising this and that. There were never-ending emails and phone calls from the office.
- sigh -

Willing or unwilling, things had to be done, no matter where I was. Nolens volens...


I hate cutting carrots

Then on Friday, we had our hands full with vegetables literally. There were mountains of stuff to peel, cut and chop. That alone took the whole day. All for popiah. *roll eyes* Seriously, the only other thing I hate doing in this world is cutting carrots, and there were endless sticks of them to be cut. Not only did it have to be cut, it had to be cut into proper 2mm x 2cm silvers. It was soooo IRRITATING and FRUSTRATING. I was ready stomp on the lot of them by the time I was cutting the second carrot. In the end, I threw the knife down in disgust, stomped off, flung off my temper by flailing my limbs and ARGHING, came back and cut the tofu instead. My sister kept quiet, but she was laughing at me, I know.

It was tedious work and eating it all took half the time it took for us to make it. Bah.

Then later in the evening, we invited all and had a big dinner to remember my father who passed away 15 years ago. He died of cancer.


Oi, it wasn't a holiday...

When I got back on Monday, everyone asked, "How was your HOLIDAY?" After a few queries of the same vein, I erupted with "It was NOT a holiday!" It may have been a break but it WAS NOT A HOLIDAY.

It's gonna be a hell of a week. I just know it.

Happy Birthday Mom!

It's my mom's 59th birthday today! And she doesn't look a day over 50! Serious! That's my mom, she ages slowly and gracefully. We took her to Windmill in Subang last night for steaks and got her a Hymn CD to go with her new DVD player. At least, she's happy. The moment she got home, she put the disc in and listen to her new CD until 1am! ^_^ I'm glad she enjoyed herself.

Happy 59th Birthday Mom!*hugs*

It boggles the mind, it does

It is quite amazing to me when people you thought were your friends just suddenly did a 180 and give you the cold shoulder. What the hell?!

I don't get why all of this is suddenly happening to me? Why couldn't all this bad karma be like spread out over a couple of years? Why is it all happening in the space of a few months?! ARGH!

I do not care anymore! I tried mending fences, when God knows I wasn't the one who broke the fence, still I tried, thinking that it might be something I unintentionally did. Hah. I should have saved my strength instead and used it to fling mud on people's shoe and that would have been more productive.

What is it with people like that? Why the hell do I always end up the one being hurt? Someone said coz I cared too much or rather I invest too much into a friend. Well, I think it's coz I'm such a pansy and a sap for people who are sob stories. Argh! I've had it with them! Damn them all to hell and see if I care!

Am in soooo early... blech... I want my pillow.

How to make a sharon teo

Ingredients: 5 parts intelligence 1 part silliness 1 part instinct

Method: Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Serve with a slice of lovability and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

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sharon teo may explode without warning

M EXPLOSIVE

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

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Hah.

S	Strong
T	Talented
L	Loud
Y	Yum

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

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what else is out there... @__#

Fuelling my violent nature with Kendo

I went to join a Kendo class last night at Japan Club KL but was told that they have intakes now and the next one is on July 3rd. Instead I sat on the sidelines and watch how people dressed in full armor attacked each other ferociously with bamboo sticks - shinai - whilst stamping their feet and bellowing at the top of their lungs at the same time. I was most impressed as it was an amazing sight and sound to behold, especially the senseis - there were four of them. Their moves were beautifully executed with very confident snap to their blows. The sound generated when each blow connects to the headgear - called men - must be deafening for them when the shinai snaps against the facemask. I can just imagine the reverberating sound every time a blow connects from a bamboo weapon. The protective equipment: the men, kote and do, protects the wearer from these painful blows, they are also places which to score points. Anywhere else is not a valid point and considered bad showmanship. The men as I've mentioned is the top of the head, the kote is the right wrist, and the do is the abdomen.

I watched Richard go through the sparring and I can't help but feel sorry for him. He's very tall therefore more vulnerable to shorter opponents who uses his height to their advantage. But then since he is tall and big, he also has an advantage, as he is strong enough to push his opponent away from him and strike his men once there is distance gained. I'm big, so I'll have to use the same tactics.

After sitting through that 2 hour session, I cannot help but be most impressed and determine to take up Kendo. It's a very demanding sport - as in demanding patience. I won't get to wear full armor until 5 months later. Meanwhile I am to practice my strokes and forward and backward movement - the right feet must always be in front.

It is such a ferocious art in the sense that you have to be aggressive and start whacking your opponent as many times as you can on the valid points. Then there is the yelling and the stamping - that was quite intimidating, but enjoyable for the yeller methinks. Think about how much stress you can release by taking up a bamboo stick and start whacking at something, yelling on top of your lungs and stamping your feet to boot. =p

Something blue to call my own *hug blue thing*

Hey, I forgot to mention that I finally got my own extension and phone! Yippee! I'm positively stoked. Before, I had to share with Nancy and then Zareen. But now I have my very own phone, on my table no less! I no longer have to reach over like elastic woman to the other side of the divider to answer calls. Is that fantastic or what? ^__^

Primeval phase

I thought Christian Smith was playing on Friday night, so I roused a few friends and headed down to 12SI to dance to the heady beat of tribal trance. Hah, did I get my dates wrong. Smith was scheduled to play the next night, not Friday. Sheesh. We got there pretty late as Estella had to work later than she planned and when we got there, there was no queue and the cover charge was RM30. Strange. So I asked the stamp girl, but she didn't know who Christian Smith was. *roll eyes* But in the end we found out I mixed up the dates. Anyway, since we were already there, we decided to go to Bliss and have a gay time. =P

And what a fantastic night we had. The house music was fantastic as the Deejay played salsa and primal beats as well. The combination was sexy and tribal. I guess I got my tribal dances there and then. Haha. Anyway, there was five of us and I seem to be the odd one out, mainly coz all of them left the dance floor at one time or the other, whereas I stayed put. My blood was pumping and I felt elemental. After a while, I noticed a Malay guy, wearing all white, dancing quite well next to me. At first I ignored him, but then he did a very nice move, so I smiled. That was all he needed when he gestured if he could dance with me. I didn't mind so I nodded yes. It took us a few minutes to get use to each other's moves but we managed to synch very well after that. Gosh, we really had fun. We tried all sorts of moves and steps, all the while keeping at least an inch or two in between our bodies. It was fun, coz we were matching our steps and moves to each other; he would teach me his steps and then I would teach him mine. By then, we were moving naturally. It was good and fun dancing. Bliss was not so packed so there was space for us to experiment.

I danced the rest of the morning away with him. Though there was a time when a gay guy came in and showed Estella and I a new hips twisty move, which I later adapted to dance with Jay.

We shook hands and introduced ourselves but I decline his invitation for a drink at the mamak behind. I don't take my 'relationships' beyond the club doors, coz I know it's a bad idea, for me at least. No, I didn't give him my number nor did I take his.

I met Eugene there as well, and seeing Eugene reminded me of Siva, which I have resolved not to think of at all. - sigh - I also saw a few ntv7's staff whom I met during the Pillow Talk DiGi showcase last week, there as well. But I didn't really say hi to them coz they were acting all loud and snobbish. *shrug*

It's been a while that I such a great night out with good friends, and good dancing to boot.


Back to church
Then on Sunday, I went to church for the first time in a year... Drove all the way to Klang and met up with all my old church friends again and had lunch with them. Catching up with them made me realised that my bond with them is still unscathed and intact even though I've not been in touch with them for a long time.

The church has changed but I've not been there to change with it. The service felt alien to me. I was used to the old ways of things and this new way, which I know has been happening for quite some time now, was a oversized puzzle that wouldn't fit no matter what.

Self-imposed exile

Recently, I've stop going out for lunch. Maybe it is this anti-social streak I have right now. I've taken to buying something to tide me over for lunch in the mornings. I've yet to find a place that sells fruit at 8am in the morning though.

My sister says my 'progress' is alarming and that I should not be starving myself, which I am not, as I might trigger my vertigo spells again. Wouldn't that be a pickle. I still eat breakfast, something little for lunch and then normal dinner. So I do not see it as starving.

I not dieting, but in the end I just might. I don't know. Is this a cause for alarm? Nah.

Funny thing is that, the reason I stopped going for lunch is because ever since Elaine went on holiday,and Nancy is always late in and she doesn't go anymore, I have had to go around asking colleagues if I could tag alone for lunch. That is something that I've grown quite tired of and it feels like I'm begging to be one of them. It feels tedious and like a chore that I have to do that everyday. And when I do go out with them, I have to make small talk - something that I seem to have lost in my 'anti-socialness'.

The Key to Happiness

I was going through my old emails to make way for new ones when I came across an email from my dear cousin who quoted this.

I really love the poem. Have a read and feel your heart lighten...

---


The key to happiness
belongs to everyone on earth,
Who recognizes simple things
as treasures of great worth-

The changing of the seasons,
the rising of the moon,
golden,restful hours
on a lazy afternoon,
the music found in laughter,
the beauty found in truth,
the wrinkled eyes of wisdom,
the innocence of youth...

Dreams the heart has woven,
letting go of cares,
reaching out, and helping out,
and countless answered prayers,
the loving bonds of family ties,
and understanding friends,
the chance to make a difference,
the will to make amends,
having someone's hand to hold,
the promise each day brings,
The key to happiness is found
in very simple things...

~ Emily Matthews ~

Just maybe...

neverneverland commented: "You need to put some brakes on your downhill tumble here ... From being trivially bored to regularly PMS-ing to random distrust to justifying means ... Maybe it's better to be casually free to renewing life to trusting yourself to accepting ends ... Just maybe ..."

Never have a comment struck me so profoundly, with the same effect of a bucket of cold water.

Strangely enough, I didn't see the downhill path I am on. Some might even suggest it's manic depression. Maybe it is. I don't know.

But I am looking at how to change it now. Can I jump off this career path and onto one that leads me into the jungle or the ocean? Would I be able to? Do I have the courage to do so? How does one take another path totally different from the one she's been taught to follow? I wish I know how.

Does the end justify the means?

It is my job to read and monitor the English and BM newspapers everyday, and everyday I see horrifying pictures of death and maimed bodies that is placed so strategically for all to see and gasp over, especially in the BM newspapers - smack dab on the front page, back page and the right side of the newspaper. So it is understandable that I'm quite disturb over the non-censorship of these too-detailed pictures of human suffering.

Lately, there has been really horrifying pictures plastered all over the prominent pages, nothing has been done to curb these 'free press' liberties. Many people see these gory pictures and they shrug as if to say, "So what?" Well, this is not to say that these people do not care about the terrible things that are going on in our world, but they have grown blasé about the suffering of others. There are so many shocking pictures published these days that the shock of seeing one has worn off.

Printing a shocking picture has its uses but at some point we have to say, enough is enough. Why show pictures of a charred body with the identity of the victim plainly visible? Why show a body literally under the back wheel of an ambulance, and why show a picture with dead people littering the accident scene with the identity of the victims plainly visible and a few private parts showing as well? There are many questionable newspaper pictures out there. While I understand that printing pictures like that serves to warn and shock the public into awareness, I do not see why the identity or the name of the victim should be published. Think about the victim's family. What will they think when they see pictures of their love ones in such gory details? How will that affect them? Especially the children. What are they to think when they see papa or mummy under the wheel of a bus? Stuff of nightmares, methinks, and psychological disorder.

Nowadays, I hardly see any black stripe across a victim's or accused face. Let's take the Nirmala Bonat case. I agree that maid abuse is a terrible human infraction, as any abuse is, and it should be broadcasted to warn others and to stop the 'practice' taking the 'law' into your hands. But I still think that their identities should have been kept from the public. Especially the employer's face. We all know what she did was wrong and terrible and she should be punished for her crimes, but we didn't have to know what she looks like. It's like a witch-hunt. Reporters crowding around, pushing cameras into her face and all that. Maybe people booing on the sidelines. All that was missing was the stake, and maybe some rotten vegetables. She has young children. What about them?

I know, I know, many of you would think that why should we be so closed-minded or rather 'kolot'? That we should be allowed to decide and think for ourselves? I agree with that. I think that we need to be open-minded too about every thing too. That in order for growth, we need to take the good and the bad. But there are times when we should ask ourselves does the end justify the means? If the answer is yes, then that's good. But then everything is relative. It is easy for us to sit here and type what we think when we do not have to be the one to act.

Maybe there's a bigger picture to publishing the gory pictures but if there are, I don't see some of them. To me, they were printed just for sheer news value. That's just my take...