I wrote the blog below on Thursday and I've been sitting on it eversince and it's tearing me apart. I didn't know if I should post in or not post it as the consequence will not be good. But then if she doesn't care, then why should I? I cannot do this anymore.
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Disbelief... hurt... extreme hurt... and then anger, and later blistering anger.
This is what I felt and am still feeling when I read Zona's blog today. I was at work when I read it and after that my concentration for work was shot to bits. Previously, I've always let it slide when she defames me on her blog, but this time, I'm sorry but I just cannot cause I'm just too hurt to even consider letting it slide. Indeed, "I don't know where our friendship's going anymore" either.
"I went snorkelling with Sharon and PS later that evening. And Sharon decided to take me out further. I'd already had a cramp swimming earlier, but since she was holding on to me I thought it'd be okay. Thought wrong. I started drinking loads of salt water through my snorkle and panicked. Sharon was barely a meter ahead of me. The rest was a blur until all I last remembered was asking for God's help. That was when Sharon turned and realised what was happening. When she and Mal got me on shore, a mere couple of minutes later there was a commotion on the other side of the beach. Three guys drowned. One didn't survive."
I did not take her out further, she was even further out when she snorkled with PS, and all the while I was keeping an eye on her as she went even further out to the side where the rocks were, and she and PS were blissfully unaware how far to each other they were. What if something had happened to her then? I wouldn't have been able to reach her in time. And when I took her out to see the Trevally, I held onto her hand as I knew she wasn't that comfortable in water. When we turned back, I let go of her hand when we were in shallower water. Thought she was okay to swim back without me holding her hand. Thought wrong. Then I turned back to check on her and what I saw made my heart stopped. I saw her under water, panicking, and only one wrist was out of the water, and the other grasping fractically underwater at me. I swamed like mad to her and when I reached her, she pulled me under once even though she is so much smaller than me. I managed to lift her head out of the water, and shouted at her to relax repeatedly. I turned her on her back and towed her back towards the shore.
I saved her. Aqmal did not. I'm not trying to boast but that was a fact. He was in shallow water when I motioned for him to come help me drag her to shore when I reached standing depths. I asked her to stand up with the hopes that the horrible experience will lessened. Apparently it did not. I asked her what happened and she never even mention any cramp to me. All she said that her "snorkle kept filling with water and I [she] panicked." 15 mins later, the commotion happened and I watched that man slip die. It affected me so much that I went looking for Zona at camp and I cried on her shoulder when the realisation that it could have been her hit me. I will never forget the sight of her almost drowning. It terrified me that she could've died.
"I think that spoilt it for me for the rest of the trip. Sharon said something about me not doing the dive, and that affected me quite a bit. Doesn't help that your "dive buddy" isn't giving you any motivation after a little incident."
I cannot believe she said that. It is good that it was "a little incident" for her, but it affected me badly. After what I saw, you think I was going to encourage her to do the dive in the next few days when I knew she wasn't comfortable in water? I hope that she will take up diving again, as it is a wonderful experience no one should be deprived of. As a 'dive buddy' one would think the well being and safety would be the utmost in the dive buddy's mine instead of her completing the dive course in three short days. She is blaming me for her fear, she is blaming me for taking her out to snorkle. She is blaming me that she couldn't complete her dive course. I can't help but see the finger she's pointing at me at the moment, not with my name scattered all over that post in such a negative manner. I understand that she has a lot to sort out, being a scuba 'diving drop out' must have affected her much. I understand that. But it does not justify lashing out at me. Nothing justifies hurting your best friend like this.
Of course I'm excited about getting my license. It is a dream come through for me; I've been waiting and waiting for the right time ever since my father died when I was 11. I knew that one day, I'd be a scuba diver like my father. Apparently my enthusiasm irritated her. I'm not about to halt my course just for her. When I asked her about her day, she shut me out. So I thought, "Ok, better leave her alone then, she just needs time." I tried talking to her but she pushed me away. So the last night, I got really irritated when I asked her if she wanted to know about our dives. She said straight out," No, I don't." So I asked why. Then she snapped at me "Why should there be a reason?" Well, sorry about inquiring about someone's mental well-being. I knew something was bugging her, tried to get through to her but she pushed me away. So I had had it. I ignored her for the rest of the night and the next day. I came back to KL in Tom's car. Why be stuck in a car with someone whom you're irritated with? Funny part is, at lunch she talked to me like normal. So I thought she had gotten over her snit. Boy was I so wrong. Her blog blindsided me. I didn't even see that cement truck...
"About whether she's my friend or not, she'd be a friend to Mal... just cos he got her tickets to Zouk to the Cleo Bachelor party. "
True I said this when Aqmal had that out with Zona prior to the diving trip. He asked me if we would still be friends if both of them broke up. At that time, both of them were having another episode. Of course I reassured him that I'll be his friend no matter what. Why can't I have Zona and Aqmal as friends at the same time? This is apparently unacceptable to Zona. She always did say that she has never liked mixing her friends. Says a lot doesn't it? IT IS NOT because he got me tickets to Zouk, that was said in jest, mind you, and the ticket turned out to be useless after 11pm - still had to pay to go in anyway. I've always been loyal to Zona coz I actually care for this person, but then why care that much for somebody that slaps you whenever she feels like it? There are certain levels of friendships, and I thought mine with Zona was deep and profound. Again I was wrong. I'm beginning to realise that I'm wrong about a lot of things about her. How can a best friend did what Zona did, how can a best friend hurt her best friend like this? It would have been okay if she had emailed that to me instead of blogging it for the world to see. But nope, she likes to air her dirty laundry in cyberspace. I guess I'll have to air mine now in defense.
"Strange isn't it? Or paranoia. Makes me wonder about all the things I've done for her. The rides home, the extra tickets somewhere, getting her the job at DV or including her on outings someplace. Was I wrong to trust? Why am I suddenly questioning this? I don't know where our friendship's going anymore."
You didn't get my my job. I got it on my own merit. If it weren't so, then Helen wouldn't have hired me and kept me after my probabtion was up. She may not have given me a permanent contract, but let just get this straight - I thank you for introducing me to the job, but you didn't get me the job.
So she's been keeping count then all this while? And she calls me calculative. Do you know that the first person I thought of when I got my first pay was her? I went scouring the stores when her birthday came and bought her a white topaz set in white gold pendant in the shape of a cross. It didn't matter that it was more than what I paid for my mother's birthday present. It didn't matter to me, coz I knew it was something that she'd like. Do you wanna know something pittiful? I actually thought of her everytime I travelled, and looked for something suitable to buy for her. When I go shopping, and I see something nice or something she might like, I'll inventory it in my head, so that I can get her that the next time. I try to show her how appreciative I am about her being my friend. But I guess I should have been forking out petrol money instead. Unsurprisingly, car rides were the issue the last time as well. After that stupid issue, I tried to make it up to her by paying for toll or parking whenever I can. Not enough.
"I mean, to quote her "You should take care of yourself". Yeah, why bother about anybody else right? Especially if he/she becomes a burden to you."
"You should take care of yourself"? YEAH, when you make the decision to go snorkling without a life jacket when you can't swim or swim badly. Dunno how she managed to twist that one... I confess that that sentence above hurt the most. Apparently, I'm a burden. That was a stab through the heart. Like another friend said, why offer to do something if you're not generous about it? So is our friendship based on some sort of monetary or material transaction? I thought friendships were about friends who care so much about each other that they'd be willing to put their life on the line for each other. Must be another universe that one. The 7 years that we had, pfftt. What is a friend indeed? I think a best friend is one who would never think about hurting the other this much.
After reading her blog over and over again, yeah, you've made a believer out of me, Zona. I was indeed wrong to trust and care so much. I am questioning this coz nobody has ever hurt me this much, and apparently it isn't much of a friendship according to you. So yeah, maybe you shouldn't give a shit anymore, coz that's what I'm gonna do from now on.
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