I have come to a point in life that I'm finally asking this question, "Who can I trust?" And my answers are all on one hand and family do not count. I look at my friends and colleagues and I asked myself, "Who do you trust the most and the littlest?", and my answers are not comforting. True, there are different levels of trust assigned to each friend and colleague. You depend on people, you trust them with certain aspects of your life, you put your trust in their hands, with the hope that they will not crush it and throw it on the ground and then stomp on it.
I have got to learn not to trust so easily. Today's little incident has taught me that. How do you know the person you're confiding in, won't go around telling others and making fun of you, and laughing at your expense? Somebody told me that trust is a funny thing, that you need to be the one to give it first before anything else can happen. I agree, to open up one's heart to hurt is to trust blindingly. I did that, and I'm still doing it. I will have to stop now.
And then there are those strangers you meet once and on the second time and you're the best of friends.
But then there are those who surprise you with their belief in you and loyalty to you. We may not have been abreast at all the times, but they are always there for me. I thank the Lord that He gifted me with such wonderful friends. You know who you are, and thank you for caring.
Monday, May 31, 2004
PMS-ing
Nothing feels right. Nothing feels as it should be. What the hell is wrong? The space around me crackles with discontent, it moves as though it has a life of its own, lashing out at anyone who dares cross its path. Every action equals a reaction, nothing is left undone or unsaid. There are laser glares and muted roars at those who are as slow as sloths and useless as a broken lamp post. They serve no purpose but to annoy my aura.
I have no patience, I have no tolerance. I have nothing, but pain in my gut. It is driving me to acts of violence after 2 months of silence. Now it has emerged angry and resentful and full of wrath.
Do not cross paths with me. Do not ask me questions when you know the answer. Do not send me useless emails asking me be a link. Do not ask me to do your chores.
Do not speak to me.
I have no patience, I have no tolerance. I have nothing, but pain in my gut. It is driving me to acts of violence after 2 months of silence. Now it has emerged angry and resentful and full of wrath.
Do not cross paths with me. Do not ask me questions when you know the answer. Do not send me useless emails asking me be a link. Do not ask me to do your chores.
Do not speak to me.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Using what brain cells I have
Now I'll have to break out my brolly.
Sigh. My wish came true. It's raining and it's raining as though heaven has opened its floodgates. Me and my wishes... - sigh -
So I'm stuck at work. Even with my brolly, I'd probably get wet. So what to do, what to do... I could:
a. Play online games
b. Sit and stare at the walls
c. Chat with more people (I'm already chatting)
d. Clean my desk
e. Come up with a new folder system
f. Or I could get back to work.
*sigh*
I'm gonna have to go back to work. Coz if I don't, I'm gonna be swamped and then sucked under tomorrow. Might as well make use of my brains, eh?
He who learns, and makes no use of his learning, is a beast of burden with a load of books. - Does the ass comprehend whether he carries on his back a library or a bundle of faggots? - Saadi (1184-1291)
aiks.
Sigh. My wish came true. It's raining and it's raining as though heaven has opened its floodgates. Me and my wishes... - sigh -
So I'm stuck at work. Even with my brolly, I'd probably get wet. So what to do, what to do... I could:
a. Play online games
b. Sit and stare at the walls
c. Chat with more people (I'm already chatting)
d. Clean my desk
e. Come up with a new folder system
f. Or I could get back to work.
*sigh*
I'm gonna have to go back to work. Coz if I don't, I'm gonna be swamped and then sucked under tomorrow. Might as well make use of my brains, eh?
He who learns, and makes no use of his learning, is a beast of burden with a load of books. - Does the ass comprehend whether he carries on his back a library or a bundle of faggots? - Saadi (1184-1291)
aiks.
Breaking out my blanket
Finally, I can sleep seamlessly at night. It was nice and comfy to sleep and towards morning, it became so chilly that I had to wake up and pull out my blanket which I had shoved onto a shelf. Talk about relief. *sssiiigghhhh*
I just read in the papers that the weather will be cooler these few days and nights as rainfall is expected. The icky heatwave before was caused by the South-West Monsoon winds which had left us without cloud cover. In Perth, there isn't much cloud cover most of the time but the cold winds make up for it, though we still get sunburn if you're under the sun too long.
Life is getting better, I say. For the time being anyway. I love the rain, as long as I'm indoor of course. Bring on the lightning!
^_^
I just read in the papers that the weather will be cooler these few days and nights as rainfall is expected. The icky heatwave before was caused by the South-West Monsoon winds which had left us without cloud cover. In Perth, there isn't much cloud cover most of the time but the cold winds make up for it, though we still get sunburn if you're under the sun too long.
Life is getting better, I say. For the time being anyway. I love the rain, as long as I'm indoor of course. Bring on the lightning!
^_^
Friday, May 21, 2004
Short driving lesson
Yong let me drive his GTI for all of 2 whole minutes.
Yeah, it was from the front lane of my house to another lane in front of the school... Talk about exciting. =P After that he was like, "Okay, get out." Then he drove me home.
Haha, I already knew I made him nervous when I kept on asking if he was sure as this was his baby. He said okay, but his eyes couldn't meet mine when he said "yes it's okay" But then he kept asking me if I sure... Poor guy. I'm so sorry I made break him out in cold sweat.
I was driving very slow as I was not confident. Not after that accident. I knew I was not confident, I didn't need him to tell me that. Plus it has been 7 years since I drove a manual. He said my gear shifting is very rough and very loud. =( I have to agree after he showed me how he shifted the gear - smoothly and silently. I felt so embarassed when he stopped in front of my gate. Aiks. I can't drive anymore! *wail* I guess you learn bad habits from watching other people drive or rather in this case, proper habits. Now I know. A lot of people I know who drives a manual doesn't always shift gears so silently like Yong. I guess it's just that he's a car guy and he loves his car. Also, his car is not messy and smells nice to boot. Wow, he really loves his GTI with it's 1.8 litre engine and recarro seats. =P
Lord, that car is powerful. I've never been in a GTI, when he shifted from second to third, the car jumped forward, not in the rabbit kind of way, but rather like a leashed horse chomping on the bit. I would love to be in a GTI when it's going fast and taking gliding curves... like the stretch to Genting. Not bad, I think I can get a rush from that. GRIN.
He asked if I would a GTI at the end of the year. My answer is no, coz I don't need a racing car. Something simple is enough, as long as it gets me from point to point and won't die on me. I wouldn't know what to do. Give me anything but car troubles. I suppose I'll learn more about cars when I get one, but at the moment, I'm just as clueless as a dodo.
Okay, now I'm gonna go play D2. I think I'll play the Amazon this time, something that will hack and swing my frustration and embarassment away. - sigh -
Yeah, it was from the front lane of my house to another lane in front of the school... Talk about exciting. =P After that he was like, "Okay, get out." Then he drove me home.
Haha, I already knew I made him nervous when I kept on asking if he was sure as this was his baby. He said okay, but his eyes couldn't meet mine when he said "yes it's okay" But then he kept asking me if I sure... Poor guy. I'm so sorry I made break him out in cold sweat.
I was driving very slow as I was not confident. Not after that accident. I knew I was not confident, I didn't need him to tell me that. Plus it has been 7 years since I drove a manual. He said my gear shifting is very rough and very loud. =( I have to agree after he showed me how he shifted the gear - smoothly and silently. I felt so embarassed when he stopped in front of my gate. Aiks. I can't drive anymore! *wail* I guess you learn bad habits from watching other people drive or rather in this case, proper habits. Now I know. A lot of people I know who drives a manual doesn't always shift gears so silently like Yong. I guess it's just that he's a car guy and he loves his car. Also, his car is not messy and smells nice to boot. Wow, he really loves his GTI with it's 1.8 litre engine and recarro seats. =P
Lord, that car is powerful. I've never been in a GTI, when he shifted from second to third, the car jumped forward, not in the rabbit kind of way, but rather like a leashed horse chomping on the bit. I would love to be in a GTI when it's going fast and taking gliding curves... like the stretch to Genting. Not bad, I think I can get a rush from that. GRIN.
He asked if I would a GTI at the end of the year. My answer is no, coz I don't need a racing car. Something simple is enough, as long as it gets me from point to point and won't die on me. I wouldn't know what to do. Give me anything but car troubles. I suppose I'll learn more about cars when I get one, but at the moment, I'm just as clueless as a dodo.
Okay, now I'm gonna go play D2. I think I'll play the Amazon this time, something that will hack and swing my frustration and embarassment away. - sigh -
Monday, May 17, 2004
Sleepless nights
It's too hot to sleep at night the past week and if the papers are correct, it's gonna be hot until September. Aiks.
Sis and I was discussion some drastic measures this morning that we could take to overcome this problem.
1. Put in air-conditioner and switch off ALL other appliances.
2. Buy mist fan, but that would dampen beds and stuff.
3. Sleep on the living room floor, but then no security, thieves
broke in through the roof the last time.
4. Sleep on living room floor with metal rods and heavy-duty
torchlights next to us to clobber intruders.
5. Move to a new place soon.
In the end, non viable. So we will have to make do and catch some winks in between tossing and turning on sweat-dampened sheets. Blech...
What I would give to go back to Perth right now. Perth is going into very nice cold weather now. I can only dream... *sigh*
Sis and I was discussion some drastic measures this morning that we could take to overcome this problem.
1. Put in air-conditioner and switch off ALL other appliances.
2. Buy mist fan, but that would dampen beds and stuff.
3. Sleep on the living room floor, but then no security, thieves
broke in through the roof the last time.
4. Sleep on living room floor with metal rods and heavy-duty
torchlights next to us to clobber intruders.
5. Move to a new place soon.
In the end, non viable. So we will have to make do and catch some winks in between tossing and turning on sweat-dampened sheets. Blech...
What I would give to go back to Perth right now. Perth is going into very nice cold weather now. I can only dream... *sigh*
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Pigging out
*Belchhhhh* Opps excuse me...
Had a fantastic dinner just now with friends. It's Andrew's birthday, so we went to the all-you-can-eat steamboat place at OUG, and did we eat all we could. Haha... Tom had FOUR servings of ice cream - we were all talking and he quietly went off each time and came back with a mountain of cold ice cream on his cones. That guy really likes ice-cream. =)
I'm so full right now, I reckon I've put back all the weight I lost at Perhentian! One night at a all you can eat steamboat is enough to put back all the weight I've ever lost in my life. The food was good - all the seafood was fresh and sweet. AND they had lamb... omg, the lamb... *double slurp* Of course, me being me, I had lamb, more lamb, and more more lamb. Hee hee...
It was great, as it was a small group tonight. There was Estella, Tom, Andrew, Jaymee, Sharnie, Ming Ming and me. I think everyone had a good time. At first there was silence as everyone was concentrating on eating and putting food into the pot and the grill. Then as we slowly filled out tummy with good food, the conversation started flowing. We talked about everything and it was casual, relaxed and fun.
That's one thing I like about TJJ people, they are all very friendly and relaxed and laidback. This is the first time I'm meeting Ming Ming and by the end of the meal(s), we were friends. Everybody's unpretentious in TJJ, once people come for a meet, they chuck their inhibitions at the door and just join in the fun.
After dinner, we had dessert - Andrew's cake and ice-cream on top. It was yummy tummy. Mmmmmm... I must admit the ice-cream IS good. It really hit the spot. Was sooo tempted to go back for seconds but, nah, that would be undoing all my work of eating only fruits for lunch the past week. =P Nope, I'm not on a diet. I'm merely experimenting with my metabolism rate - I'm trying to see what makes me sluggish after each meal. Results aren't in yet. Will tell later. Now I have to write my account of my dive trip at Perhentian.
Had a fantastic dinner just now with friends. It's Andrew's birthday, so we went to the all-you-can-eat steamboat place at OUG, and did we eat all we could. Haha... Tom had FOUR servings of ice cream - we were all talking and he quietly went off each time and came back with a mountain of cold ice cream on his cones. That guy really likes ice-cream. =)
I'm so full right now, I reckon I've put back all the weight I lost at Perhentian! One night at a all you can eat steamboat is enough to put back all the weight I've ever lost in my life. The food was good - all the seafood was fresh and sweet. AND they had lamb... omg, the lamb... *double slurp* Of course, me being me, I had lamb, more lamb, and more more lamb. Hee hee...
It was great, as it was a small group tonight. There was Estella, Tom, Andrew, Jaymee, Sharnie, Ming Ming and me. I think everyone had a good time. At first there was silence as everyone was concentrating on eating and putting food into the pot and the grill. Then as we slowly filled out tummy with good food, the conversation started flowing. We talked about everything and it was casual, relaxed and fun.
That's one thing I like about TJJ people, they are all very friendly and relaxed and laidback. This is the first time I'm meeting Ming Ming and by the end of the meal(s), we were friends. Everybody's unpretentious in TJJ, once people come for a meet, they chuck their inhibitions at the door and just join in the fun.
After dinner, we had dessert - Andrew's cake and ice-cream on top. It was yummy tummy. Mmmmmm... I must admit the ice-cream IS good. It really hit the spot. Was sooo tempted to go back for seconds but, nah, that would be undoing all my work of eating only fruits for lunch the past week. =P Nope, I'm not on a diet. I'm merely experimenting with my metabolism rate - I'm trying to see what makes me sluggish after each meal. Results aren't in yet. Will tell later. Now I have to write my account of my dive trip at Perhentian.
Friday, May 14, 2004
Bumped out
Geeze... my boss is still keeping me in the same place. I feel so bumped out. Nancy, my superior tried to get me shifted to a new place, one that is not quite so opened but the big boss wouldn't relent.
God, I hate my place. Everytime somebody walks pass, they bust my concentration, esp people who are nosy and talks like a foghorn.
This is the third time I've asked Helen if I could move to a better place and again she said no. I don't know why she's keeping me at this horrible desk. It's a pretty stupid idea to move to another company coz you don't like your sitting place, but at the moment the way I'm feeling, I don't care.
God, I hate my place. Everytime somebody walks pass, they bust my concentration, esp people who are nosy and talks like a foghorn.
This is the third time I've asked Helen if I could move to a better place and again she said no. I don't know why she's keeping me at this horrible desk. It's a pretty stupid idea to move to another company coz you don't like your sitting place, but at the moment the way I'm feeling, I don't care.
Saturday, May 08, 2004
What is indeed a friend?
I wrote the blog below on Thursday and I've been sitting on it eversince and it's tearing me apart. I didn't know if I should post in or not post it as the consequence will not be good. But then if she doesn't care, then why should I? I cannot do this anymore.
------
Disbelief... hurt... extreme hurt... and then anger, and later blistering anger.
This is what I felt and am still feeling when I read Zona's blog today. I was at work when I read it and after that my concentration for work was shot to bits. Previously, I've always let it slide when she defames me on her blog, but this time, I'm sorry but I just cannot cause I'm just too hurt to even consider letting it slide. Indeed, "I don't know where our friendship's going anymore" either.
"I went snorkelling with Sharon and PS later that evening. And Sharon decided to take me out further. I'd already had a cramp swimming earlier, but since she was holding on to me I thought it'd be okay. Thought wrong. I started drinking loads of salt water through my snorkle and panicked. Sharon was barely a meter ahead of me. The rest was a blur until all I last remembered was asking for God's help. That was when Sharon turned and realised what was happening. When she and Mal got me on shore, a mere couple of minutes later there was a commotion on the other side of the beach. Three guys drowned. One didn't survive."
I did not take her out further, she was even further out when she snorkled with PS, and all the while I was keeping an eye on her as she went even further out to the side where the rocks were, and she and PS were blissfully unaware how far to each other they were. What if something had happened to her then? I wouldn't have been able to reach her in time. And when I took her out to see the Trevally, I held onto her hand as I knew she wasn't that comfortable in water. When we turned back, I let go of her hand when we were in shallower water. Thought she was okay to swim back without me holding her hand. Thought wrong. Then I turned back to check on her and what I saw made my heart stopped. I saw her under water, panicking, and only one wrist was out of the water, and the other grasping fractically underwater at me. I swamed like mad to her and when I reached her, she pulled me under once even though she is so much smaller than me. I managed to lift her head out of the water, and shouted at her to relax repeatedly. I turned her on her back and towed her back towards the shore.
I saved her. Aqmal did not. I'm not trying to boast but that was a fact. He was in shallow water when I motioned for him to come help me drag her to shore when I reached standing depths. I asked her to stand up with the hopes that the horrible experience will lessened. Apparently it did not. I asked her what happened and she never even mention any cramp to me. All she said that her "snorkle kept filling with water and I [she] panicked." 15 mins later, the commotion happened and I watched that man slip die. It affected me so much that I went looking for Zona at camp and I cried on her shoulder when the realisation that it could have been her hit me. I will never forget the sight of her almost drowning. It terrified me that she could've died.
"I think that spoilt it for me for the rest of the trip. Sharon said something about me not doing the dive, and that affected me quite a bit. Doesn't help that your "dive buddy" isn't giving you any motivation after a little incident."
I cannot believe she said that. It is good that it was "a little incident" for her, but it affected me badly. After what I saw, you think I was going to encourage her to do the dive in the next few days when I knew she wasn't comfortable in water? I hope that she will take up diving again, as it is a wonderful experience no one should be deprived of. As a 'dive buddy' one would think the well being and safety would be the utmost in the dive buddy's mine instead of her completing the dive course in three short days. She is blaming me for her fear, she is blaming me for taking her out to snorkle. She is blaming me that she couldn't complete her dive course. I can't help but see the finger she's pointing at me at the moment, not with my name scattered all over that post in such a negative manner. I understand that she has a lot to sort out, being a scuba 'diving drop out' must have affected her much. I understand that. But it does not justify lashing out at me. Nothing justifies hurting your best friend like this.
Of course I'm excited about getting my license. It is a dream come through for me; I've been waiting and waiting for the right time ever since my father died when I was 11. I knew that one day, I'd be a scuba diver like my father. Apparently my enthusiasm irritated her. I'm not about to halt my course just for her. When I asked her about her day, she shut me out. So I thought, "Ok, better leave her alone then, she just needs time." I tried talking to her but she pushed me away. So the last night, I got really irritated when I asked her if she wanted to know about our dives. She said straight out," No, I don't." So I asked why. Then she snapped at me "Why should there be a reason?" Well, sorry about inquiring about someone's mental well-being. I knew something was bugging her, tried to get through to her but she pushed me away. So I had had it. I ignored her for the rest of the night and the next day. I came back to KL in Tom's car. Why be stuck in a car with someone whom you're irritated with? Funny part is, at lunch she talked to me like normal. So I thought she had gotten over her snit. Boy was I so wrong. Her blog blindsided me. I didn't even see that cement truck...
"About whether she's my friend or not, she'd be a friend to Mal... just cos he got her tickets to Zouk to the Cleo Bachelor party. "
True I said this when Aqmal had that out with Zona prior to the diving trip. He asked me if we would still be friends if both of them broke up. At that time, both of them were having another episode. Of course I reassured him that I'll be his friend no matter what. Why can't I have Zona and Aqmal as friends at the same time? This is apparently unacceptable to Zona. She always did say that she has never liked mixing her friends. Says a lot doesn't it? IT IS NOT because he got me tickets to Zouk, that was said in jest, mind you, and the ticket turned out to be useless after 11pm - still had to pay to go in anyway. I've always been loyal to Zona coz I actually care for this person, but then why care that much for somebody that slaps you whenever she feels like it? There are certain levels of friendships, and I thought mine with Zona was deep and profound. Again I was wrong. I'm beginning to realise that I'm wrong about a lot of things about her. How can a best friend did what Zona did, how can a best friend hurt her best friend like this? It would have been okay if she had emailed that to me instead of blogging it for the world to see. But nope, she likes to air her dirty laundry in cyberspace. I guess I'll have to air mine now in defense.
"Strange isn't it? Or paranoia. Makes me wonder about all the things I've done for her. The rides home, the extra tickets somewhere, getting her the job at DV or including her on outings someplace. Was I wrong to trust? Why am I suddenly questioning this? I don't know where our friendship's going anymore."
You didn't get my my job. I got it on my own merit. If it weren't so, then Helen wouldn't have hired me and kept me after my probabtion was up. She may not have given me a permanent contract, but let just get this straight - I thank you for introducing me to the job, but you didn't get me the job.
So she's been keeping count then all this while? And she calls me calculative. Do you know that the first person I thought of when I got my first pay was her? I went scouring the stores when her birthday came and bought her a white topaz set in white gold pendant in the shape of a cross. It didn't matter that it was more than what I paid for my mother's birthday present. It didn't matter to me, coz I knew it was something that she'd like. Do you wanna know something pittiful? I actually thought of her everytime I travelled, and looked for something suitable to buy for her. When I go shopping, and I see something nice or something she might like, I'll inventory it in my head, so that I can get her that the next time. I try to show her how appreciative I am about her being my friend. But I guess I should have been forking out petrol money instead. Unsurprisingly, car rides were the issue the last time as well. After that stupid issue, I tried to make it up to her by paying for toll or parking whenever I can. Not enough.
"I mean, to quote her "You should take care of yourself". Yeah, why bother about anybody else right? Especially if he/she becomes a burden to you."
"You should take care of yourself"? YEAH, when you make the decision to go snorkling without a life jacket when you can't swim or swim badly. Dunno how she managed to twist that one... I confess that that sentence above hurt the most. Apparently, I'm a burden. That was a stab through the heart. Like another friend said, why offer to do something if you're not generous about it? So is our friendship based on some sort of monetary or material transaction? I thought friendships were about friends who care so much about each other that they'd be willing to put their life on the line for each other. Must be another universe that one. The 7 years that we had, pfftt. What is a friend indeed? I think a best friend is one who would never think about hurting the other this much.
After reading her blog over and over again, yeah, you've made a believer out of me, Zona. I was indeed wrong to trust and care so much. I am questioning this coz nobody has ever hurt me this much, and apparently it isn't much of a friendship according to you. So yeah, maybe you shouldn't give a shit anymore, coz that's what I'm gonna do from now on.
------
Disbelief... hurt... extreme hurt... and then anger, and later blistering anger.
This is what I felt and am still feeling when I read Zona's blog today. I was at work when I read it and after that my concentration for work was shot to bits. Previously, I've always let it slide when she defames me on her blog, but this time, I'm sorry but I just cannot cause I'm just too hurt to even consider letting it slide. Indeed, "I don't know where our friendship's going anymore" either.
"I went snorkelling with Sharon and PS later that evening. And Sharon decided to take me out further. I'd already had a cramp swimming earlier, but since she was holding on to me I thought it'd be okay. Thought wrong. I started drinking loads of salt water through my snorkle and panicked. Sharon was barely a meter ahead of me. The rest was a blur until all I last remembered was asking for God's help. That was when Sharon turned and realised what was happening. When she and Mal got me on shore, a mere couple of minutes later there was a commotion on the other side of the beach. Three guys drowned. One didn't survive."
I did not take her out further, she was even further out when she snorkled with PS, and all the while I was keeping an eye on her as she went even further out to the side where the rocks were, and she and PS were blissfully unaware how far to each other they were. What if something had happened to her then? I wouldn't have been able to reach her in time. And when I took her out to see the Trevally, I held onto her hand as I knew she wasn't that comfortable in water. When we turned back, I let go of her hand when we were in shallower water. Thought she was okay to swim back without me holding her hand. Thought wrong. Then I turned back to check on her and what I saw made my heart stopped. I saw her under water, panicking, and only one wrist was out of the water, and the other grasping fractically underwater at me. I swamed like mad to her and when I reached her, she pulled me under once even though she is so much smaller than me. I managed to lift her head out of the water, and shouted at her to relax repeatedly. I turned her on her back and towed her back towards the shore.
I saved her. Aqmal did not. I'm not trying to boast but that was a fact. He was in shallow water when I motioned for him to come help me drag her to shore when I reached standing depths. I asked her to stand up with the hopes that the horrible experience will lessened. Apparently it did not. I asked her what happened and she never even mention any cramp to me. All she said that her "snorkle kept filling with water and I [she] panicked." 15 mins later, the commotion happened and I watched that man slip die. It affected me so much that I went looking for Zona at camp and I cried on her shoulder when the realisation that it could have been her hit me. I will never forget the sight of her almost drowning. It terrified me that she could've died.
"I think that spoilt it for me for the rest of the trip. Sharon said something about me not doing the dive, and that affected me quite a bit. Doesn't help that your "dive buddy" isn't giving you any motivation after a little incident."
I cannot believe she said that. It is good that it was "a little incident" for her, but it affected me badly. After what I saw, you think I was going to encourage her to do the dive in the next few days when I knew she wasn't comfortable in water? I hope that she will take up diving again, as it is a wonderful experience no one should be deprived of. As a 'dive buddy' one would think the well being and safety would be the utmost in the dive buddy's mine instead of her completing the dive course in three short days. She is blaming me for her fear, she is blaming me for taking her out to snorkle. She is blaming me that she couldn't complete her dive course. I can't help but see the finger she's pointing at me at the moment, not with my name scattered all over that post in such a negative manner. I understand that she has a lot to sort out, being a scuba 'diving drop out' must have affected her much. I understand that. But it does not justify lashing out at me. Nothing justifies hurting your best friend like this.
Of course I'm excited about getting my license. It is a dream come through for me; I've been waiting and waiting for the right time ever since my father died when I was 11. I knew that one day, I'd be a scuba diver like my father. Apparently my enthusiasm irritated her. I'm not about to halt my course just for her. When I asked her about her day, she shut me out. So I thought, "Ok, better leave her alone then, she just needs time." I tried talking to her but she pushed me away. So the last night, I got really irritated when I asked her if she wanted to know about our dives. She said straight out," No, I don't." So I asked why. Then she snapped at me "Why should there be a reason?" Well, sorry about inquiring about someone's mental well-being. I knew something was bugging her, tried to get through to her but she pushed me away. So I had had it. I ignored her for the rest of the night and the next day. I came back to KL in Tom's car. Why be stuck in a car with someone whom you're irritated with? Funny part is, at lunch she talked to me like normal. So I thought she had gotten over her snit. Boy was I so wrong. Her blog blindsided me. I didn't even see that cement truck...
"About whether she's my friend or not, she'd be a friend to Mal... just cos he got her tickets to Zouk to the Cleo Bachelor party. "
True I said this when Aqmal had that out with Zona prior to the diving trip. He asked me if we would still be friends if both of them broke up. At that time, both of them were having another episode. Of course I reassured him that I'll be his friend no matter what. Why can't I have Zona and Aqmal as friends at the same time? This is apparently unacceptable to Zona. She always did say that she has never liked mixing her friends. Says a lot doesn't it? IT IS NOT because he got me tickets to Zouk, that was said in jest, mind you, and the ticket turned out to be useless after 11pm - still had to pay to go in anyway. I've always been loyal to Zona coz I actually care for this person, but then why care that much for somebody that slaps you whenever she feels like it? There are certain levels of friendships, and I thought mine with Zona was deep and profound. Again I was wrong. I'm beginning to realise that I'm wrong about a lot of things about her. How can a best friend did what Zona did, how can a best friend hurt her best friend like this? It would have been okay if she had emailed that to me instead of blogging it for the world to see. But nope, she likes to air her dirty laundry in cyberspace. I guess I'll have to air mine now in defense.
"Strange isn't it? Or paranoia. Makes me wonder about all the things I've done for her. The rides home, the extra tickets somewhere, getting her the job at DV or including her on outings someplace. Was I wrong to trust? Why am I suddenly questioning this? I don't know where our friendship's going anymore."
You didn't get my my job. I got it on my own merit. If it weren't so, then Helen wouldn't have hired me and kept me after my probabtion was up. She may not have given me a permanent contract, but let just get this straight - I thank you for introducing me to the job, but you didn't get me the job.
So she's been keeping count then all this while? And she calls me calculative. Do you know that the first person I thought of when I got my first pay was her? I went scouring the stores when her birthday came and bought her a white topaz set in white gold pendant in the shape of a cross. It didn't matter that it was more than what I paid for my mother's birthday present. It didn't matter to me, coz I knew it was something that she'd like. Do you wanna know something pittiful? I actually thought of her everytime I travelled, and looked for something suitable to buy for her. When I go shopping, and I see something nice or something she might like, I'll inventory it in my head, so that I can get her that the next time. I try to show her how appreciative I am about her being my friend. But I guess I should have been forking out petrol money instead. Unsurprisingly, car rides were the issue the last time as well. After that stupid issue, I tried to make it up to her by paying for toll or parking whenever I can. Not enough.
"I mean, to quote her "You should take care of yourself". Yeah, why bother about anybody else right? Especially if he/she becomes a burden to you."
"You should take care of yourself"? YEAH, when you make the decision to go snorkling without a life jacket when you can't swim or swim badly. Dunno how she managed to twist that one... I confess that that sentence above hurt the most. Apparently, I'm a burden. That was a stab through the heart. Like another friend said, why offer to do something if you're not generous about it? So is our friendship based on some sort of monetary or material transaction? I thought friendships were about friends who care so much about each other that they'd be willing to put their life on the line for each other. Must be another universe that one. The 7 years that we had, pfftt. What is a friend indeed? I think a best friend is one who would never think about hurting the other this much.
After reading her blog over and over again, yeah, you've made a believer out of me, Zona. I was indeed wrong to trust and care so much. I am questioning this coz nobody has ever hurt me this much, and apparently it isn't much of a friendship according to you. So yeah, maybe you shouldn't give a shit anymore, coz that's what I'm gonna do from now on.