My vertigo spells are back. After years of absentia, it's back with a vengence. I now live with the fear of spinning off into limbo at any moment and my inability to regain my equilibrium, and having a drop attack when I'm crossing the road of something. How can I live like this?
I'm been having tinnitus for the past one month plus now and it's killing me. It's like a offline TV station channel in there, and the ringing is 24/7. It's been there since I went swimming at Estella's and it's getting worst. My doctor finally came back to me with a referal letter to UH and I've made an appointment to go see the ENT specialist after Raya. My tinnitus got so bad that my vertigo spells returned yesterday. When I woke up yesterday morning, I felt off. But I thought maybe that it was just my stuffed nose making me feel sick. So I went to work. During lunch, I felt a light numbness start all over my body, I felt disconnected from my surroundings. I felt nothing - no happiness, no fear, no care, nothing. It was as though I was cut off from my own emotions and the only thing I felt was the humming beneath the surface, signalling a vertigo spell. I knew it was a time bomb waiting to go off and I hurried back. The moment I sat down at my desk, the humming beneath my skin increased and I sat perfectly still. Then, a colleague wanted to pass and I had to tip my chair to make way. With that thoughtless action, I spun into limbo. I could not make out where I was, what I was doing. I concentrated hard on the feeling on the soles of my feet and the feeling of the table beneath my palms. I knew I was sitting down, so I concentrated on bringing my spinning vision under control. It took me a long time to bring my world back into order and yet my vision was still constantly moving to the left. A colleague came to ask me for something. I groped into my drawer and handed her whatever she wanted without taking my focus off a word on a document stucked to my cubicle wall. I read that that was the only way to combat vertigo - to find a focus point and just concentrate, and not to close my eyes. I wanted so bad to close my eyes as I was getting very tired, and I was nauseous. I wanted to heave my lunch and it took every ounce of my will not to give in. Every muscle in my body was clenched and I was fast running out of energy. I felt lost. I felt out of control, and I felt like dying.
After an hour plus I think, (the clock was 3.30pm), I got my vertigo under control and it slowly began to fade and retreat beneath the surface - it was still humming. I knew it was just the begining.I felt extremey tired, I wanted to just drop down and sleep for an eternity. I called my sister straight away and I told my superior that I was not feeling well. She asked. I had to tell her what's wrong.
The best thing was that no one noticed. No one noticed that I was sitting as straight as a board and that I was staring only at the wall of my cubicle and not doing work for so long. Is that how my office is? People who doesn't care enough to notice others in distress? I'm glad that no one noticed my weakness but really, for an hour plus?
My night was one episode after another but I finally went to sleep, wrung out. When I woke up again today, I thought that it was over or that I could last the day. I was wrong. By late morning, I was swinging and the humming started again. I called my superior and smsed my Head. Sister came and brought me to see the doctor. I brought along my referal letter and the doctor gave me two days off right away after looking at me.
I'm beginning to believe that I might have Meniere's Disease after all. The symptoms seems to be pointing to it. But I'll have to wait until the specialist confirms it.
But then, I'm still going back to work tomorrow, there's just too many things that needs to be done. If I can't last the day again, I'll just come home. After all I have a MC for two days.
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