At the moment...

I've had the whole long weekend to think about myself, about what is it that I want out of life and whether life and my present situation can accomodate my wants and needs.

After much thought, I've just realised that it is very hard to think about just myself without external factors involved. How can I make a decision just for me when there are responsibilities to others involved? What I want and what I need are two separate things and at the moment I feel as though I have not the means to satisfy either one.

With my medical condition, it's very frustrating as I can't seem to even fulfil the simplest role in my life at the moment. It's very frustrating that I'm cooped up at home because of the posibility of something happening. I know I said I will not let this disease control my life, but it seems to be at the moment.

There are triggers for this disease for me - hunger, allergy, low sugar level, lack of sleep and stress. There might be another trigger though - depression. I have to stop lying to myself. I guess I am depressed. I try not to show it but I don't think I'm even suceeding in such a simple task as controlling my emotions. I feel like such a failure.

Do I quit my job and look for something less stressful because my job might be the one thing that is causing me so much stress at the moment. Or do I just continue and see where I can go and how much I can push my body before I snap? Or I could continue and try to overcome this condition? I very much want the third option but I don't know how.

Someone mentioned that maybe I need to change my lifestlyle to get well. Which brings me to the question What kind of lifestyle do I have? I see mine as pretty boring, blah and nothing motivating. I'll have to find something motivating again, I should start going back for aerokick sessions again, and also my Kendo curiousity that never got launched. I should start Kendo lessons. Maybe I can go for belly dancing lessons and salsa lessons too. There are so many things I want to do but WHY AM I NOT DOING THEM???

My long weekend was onedizzy spells after the other. But I was tired of feeling dizzy and cooped up all the time, so I made plans to go out with friends. It's a small step to not letting my disease control my life but it's still a step.

My mind is wondering is a thousand and one directions at the moment. It's testing all corners to see what else it's not covered, it's like a medusa's head in there -thoughts writing and snaking everywhere.

At the moment... I think I'm going crazy.