Sigh. I think I'm going through a phase right now that making me crave the sun, sea and sand. Every weekend, I'm looking to get away to somewhere with a gorgeous beach with a cerulean blue ocean at my toes. I know that I need to get away, tings are starting to get to me, little things, work, people around me. I can't stand it all. I feel that if I don't get away, I'll become crazy. It's not enough that I went to Pantai Morib last weekend. Come on let's face it, Morib is no beach haven. It's dirty and stinky. No way could I lie on the sand and beach out like a whale. Plus it was a rainy day too thus I had no sun to roast myself with. Thank goodness for Toffee, Zona's little cocker spaniel puppy.
This craving for the big blue will just have to be just about the sun and the sand though. I don't dare scuba dive with my vertigo coming on and off like that. I can't imagine what it'd be like having vertigo underwater where I'm already at a disadvantage. Compound that with a lung that can't breath underwater... So I guess I'll just have to contend with beaching out like a whale on the soft sandy beach.
Tom is organising a day trip to Pulau Sembilan and Jaymee and me have opted to go to Pangkor while the group dives. I'm definitely looking forward to spending time on the beach. All I need to do it to get through the next few days. It seems harder nowadays to make my day go by.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Thursday, November 25, 2004
My precious is back!
I've found my pelican!!! I was so distressed that I tore the house inside out yesterday after work to look for my pelican. I had this feeling that it was around somewhere in the house as deep down I knew I was not that careless. Not when I have such a sentimental value towards my pelican. It took me less then 30 mins to find it - it was in the laundry basket! I must have accidentally dropped it in when I was changing saturday night.
The scene must have looked so funny to my sisters. When I found it, I gave a little squeal and was dancing around silently. I was thanking God for helping me find my pelican.
But still, it was a lesson well-learned. Never , ever get drunk when I'm using something precious like my pelican. *GRIN*
Also, I fell down the stairs. Or rather it was more like I fell down the last two steps and onto the landing. Which I can confess it was carelessness, but I cannot tell a lie. I felt dizzy all of a sudden, just foomph and I lost my balance. Luckily it was not that far down. Sheesh... Now I have this long scrape on the underside of my arm and it stings. I tried to wash it just down and it stings like mad. Oh stop being a baby sharon and get it done and over with. What an interesting day...
The scene must have looked so funny to my sisters. When I found it, I gave a little squeal and was dancing around silently. I was thanking God for helping me find my pelican.
But still, it was a lesson well-learned. Never , ever get drunk when I'm using something precious like my pelican. *GRIN*
Also, I fell down the stairs. Or rather it was more like I fell down the last two steps and onto the landing. Which I can confess it was carelessness, but I cannot tell a lie. I felt dizzy all of a sudden, just foomph and I lost my balance. Luckily it was not that far down. Sheesh... Now I have this long scrape on the underside of my arm and it stings. I tried to wash it just down and it stings like mad. Oh stop being a baby sharon and get it done and over with. What an interesting day...
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Lost and not yet found my precious Pelican
Omg... I lost my evita peroni pelican! I just realised this morning when I was looking to use it and it was nowhere to be found! I think I may have lost it in Zouk on Saturday night. I feel so depressed and angry at myself right now. That pelican is one of a kind and you can't get the same one anymore, plus I've had it since college and it has seen me through my tough hair days in Curtin and now it is gone! How will I cope? I don't like the new pelican as it is too curved and it hurts my head. -SIGH- Is this the price I have to pay for getting so drunk that I have no idea whose name card is it that I found in my back pocket? I seriously have no recollection of meeting this Jim person. Estella said I was chatting with him and I was drunk enough to be giggly. God I hate giggly girls and I was one that night. Blech. Thank god I didn't do anything stupid like make out with him. But then even if I did, I do not remember. Phew! I got confirmation from Estella that I didn't do anything untoward that night.
I called Zouk's lost and found and I've been waiting the whole day for their cleaners to get in so that I can ask them. But soooo longgg have to wait. -SIGH- Where are you, my precious??!
My pelican's gone and how I grieve over a wonderful piece of innovative hair accessory.
I called Zouk's lost and found and I've been waiting the whole day for their cleaners to get in so that I can ask them. But soooo longgg have to wait. -SIGH- Where are you, my precious??!
My pelican's gone and how I grieve over a wonderful piece of innovative hair accessory.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
At the moment...
I've had the whole long weekend to think about myself, about what is it that I want out of life and whether life and my present situation can accomodate my wants and needs.
After much thought, I've just realised that it is very hard to think about just myself without external factors involved. How can I make a decision just for me when there are responsibilities to others involved? What I want and what I need are two separate things and at the moment I feel as though I have not the means to satisfy either one.
With my medical condition, it's very frustrating as I can't seem to even fulfil the simplest role in my life at the moment. It's very frustrating that I'm cooped up at home because of the posibility of something happening. I know I said I will not let this disease control my life, but it seems to be at the moment.
There are triggers for this disease for me - hunger, allergy, low sugar level, lack of sleep and stress. There might be another trigger though - depression. I have to stop lying to myself. I guess I am depressed. I try not to show it but I don't think I'm even suceeding in such a simple task as controlling my emotions. I feel like such a failure.
Do I quit my job and look for something less stressful because my job might be the one thing that is causing me so much stress at the moment. Or do I just continue and see where I can go and how much I can push my body before I snap? Or I could continue and try to overcome this condition? I very much want the third option but I don't know how.
Someone mentioned that maybe I need to change my lifestlyle to get well. Which brings me to the question What kind of lifestyle do I have? I see mine as pretty boring, blah and nothing motivating. I'll have to find something motivating again, I should start going back for aerokick sessions again, and also my Kendo curiousity that never got launched. I should start Kendo lessons. Maybe I can go for belly dancing lessons and salsa lessons too. There are so many things I want to do but WHY AM I NOT DOING THEM???
My long weekend was onedizzy spells after the other. But I was tired of feeling dizzy and cooped up all the time, so I made plans to go out with friends. It's a small step to not letting my disease control my life but it's still a step.
My mind is wondering is a thousand and one directions at the moment. It's testing all corners to see what else it's not covered, it's like a medusa's head in there -thoughts writing and snaking everywhere.
At the moment... I think I'm going crazy.
After much thought, I've just realised that it is very hard to think about just myself without external factors involved. How can I make a decision just for me when there are responsibilities to others involved? What I want and what I need are two separate things and at the moment I feel as though I have not the means to satisfy either one.
With my medical condition, it's very frustrating as I can't seem to even fulfil the simplest role in my life at the moment. It's very frustrating that I'm cooped up at home because of the posibility of something happening. I know I said I will not let this disease control my life, but it seems to be at the moment.
There are triggers for this disease for me - hunger, allergy, low sugar level, lack of sleep and stress. There might be another trigger though - depression. I have to stop lying to myself. I guess I am depressed. I try not to show it but I don't think I'm even suceeding in such a simple task as controlling my emotions. I feel like such a failure.
Do I quit my job and look for something less stressful because my job might be the one thing that is causing me so much stress at the moment. Or do I just continue and see where I can go and how much I can push my body before I snap? Or I could continue and try to overcome this condition? I very much want the third option but I don't know how.
Someone mentioned that maybe I need to change my lifestlyle to get well. Which brings me to the question What kind of lifestyle do I have? I see mine as pretty boring, blah and nothing motivating. I'll have to find something motivating again, I should start going back for aerokick sessions again, and also my Kendo curiousity that never got launched. I should start Kendo lessons. Maybe I can go for belly dancing lessons and salsa lessons too. There are so many things I want to do but WHY AM I NOT DOING THEM???
My long weekend was onedizzy spells after the other. But I was tired of feeling dizzy and cooped up all the time, so I made plans to go out with friends. It's a small step to not letting my disease control my life but it's still a step.
My mind is wondering is a thousand and one directions at the moment. It's testing all corners to see what else it's not covered, it's like a medusa's head in there -thoughts writing and snaking everywhere.
At the moment... I think I'm going crazy.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Frozen
I can't believe I'm actually at work today. I've just finished reeling from my latest vertigo spells and I'm here now. Sheesh, talk about becoming a workaholic. There are things to do I tell myself.
Wednesday
I went to work but I was barely clinging onto my sanity as I lightly spun from one spell to the next. But amazingly, I hung on till 7pm and went home. The spells weren't long, just sudden 15mins dizzy spells that left me in sporadic limbos.
Thursday
Woke up early to accompany mom and sis to go shopping for a few items before their flight to Turkey at 6pm. I lasted 2 hours before I told them I really had to stop and rest. I sat on the Jaya Jusco bench for an hour as they completed their shopping. The increased activity in the mall was driving me loony, there were just too many movement and noise. I really felt I was suffocating there. I was the one who insisted I was okay, when I knew I was not. But things had to get done, and dizzy spells or no, things had to be done.
After they left, the house seemed so empty. Mom and sis left for Turkey, another sister was in Paris, due back the next day and my housemate was in China for two weeks. I was home alone. I had another vertigo attack after an hour (4pm) after they left. One minute I was walking to the kitchen, the next I was on the floor, clutching to the overturned chair. I had no idea I had cut my hand too and on what I have no idea. That spell lasted quite long. I remember crawling to my sister's bed and twining my forearms into the spikes at the end of the bed and locking my frame against the wall in fear of tumbling into limbo again. I sat it out. I think it lasted only an hour. After that I slept like the dead.
I woke up sometime around 6pm and felt really dirty and sticky. I looked down and realised that I had thrown up on myself and had not even known it. - SIGH - Estella came over a few hours later and we ended up going to the Pasar Malam in SS2. I was tired of being cooped up at home so I said yes when she asked if I wanted to go. We were meeting Jayme there as well. Nothing major happened, except for a short dizzy spell.
Little did I know that the worst were yet to come. Last night, I for all of two hours towards the morning before I had to wake up at 8am. It was one dizzy spells after the other and I could not even rest or close my eyes as that would make the room spin faster. All in all I think I had three vertigo spells. The first one was shorter - half and hour, the second was the longest, about an hour plus and the last one was around an hour, I'm not sure as my mind was warp by then. I think the spells were worse as I was worried about my mom and sis. They had a stopover somewhere after 6 hours. And there were no word from them. no reply to my smses. Anyway, sis replied around 5.50am and that's when I finally was abe to just let go and sleep.
Strangely enough, I got up easily at 8am. My mind was already awake. Since the humming beneath my skin was at a minimum, I thought what the heck, might as well work when I can.
So here I am, at work. Feeling groggy and sick and just gross. -sigh- Sis and mom doesn't know. Don't want to get them worried. I'll tell them after they come back.
Adapting to my illness is not going to be easy but I'll be damn if I'm going to let it rule my life.
Wednesday
I went to work but I was barely clinging onto my sanity as I lightly spun from one spell to the next. But amazingly, I hung on till 7pm and went home. The spells weren't long, just sudden 15mins dizzy spells that left me in sporadic limbos.
Thursday
Woke up early to accompany mom and sis to go shopping for a few items before their flight to Turkey at 6pm. I lasted 2 hours before I told them I really had to stop and rest. I sat on the Jaya Jusco bench for an hour as they completed their shopping. The increased activity in the mall was driving me loony, there were just too many movement and noise. I really felt I was suffocating there. I was the one who insisted I was okay, when I knew I was not. But things had to get done, and dizzy spells or no, things had to be done.
After they left, the house seemed so empty. Mom and sis left for Turkey, another sister was in Paris, due back the next day and my housemate was in China for two weeks. I was home alone. I had another vertigo attack after an hour (4pm) after they left. One minute I was walking to the kitchen, the next I was on the floor, clutching to the overturned chair. I had no idea I had cut my hand too and on what I have no idea. That spell lasted quite long. I remember crawling to my sister's bed and twining my forearms into the spikes at the end of the bed and locking my frame against the wall in fear of tumbling into limbo again. I sat it out. I think it lasted only an hour. After that I slept like the dead.
I woke up sometime around 6pm and felt really dirty and sticky. I looked down and realised that I had thrown up on myself and had not even known it. - SIGH - Estella came over a few hours later and we ended up going to the Pasar Malam in SS2. I was tired of being cooped up at home so I said yes when she asked if I wanted to go. We were meeting Jayme there as well. Nothing major happened, except for a short dizzy spell.
Little did I know that the worst were yet to come. Last night, I for all of two hours towards the morning before I had to wake up at 8am. It was one dizzy spells after the other and I could not even rest or close my eyes as that would make the room spin faster. All in all I think I had three vertigo spells. The first one was shorter - half and hour, the second was the longest, about an hour plus and the last one was around an hour, I'm not sure as my mind was warp by then. I think the spells were worse as I was worried about my mom and sis. They had a stopover somewhere after 6 hours. And there were no word from them. no reply to my smses. Anyway, sis replied around 5.50am and that's when I finally was abe to just let go and sleep.
Strangely enough, I got up easily at 8am. My mind was already awake. Since the humming beneath my skin was at a minimum, I thought what the heck, might as well work when I can.
So here I am, at work. Feeling groggy and sick and just gross. -sigh- Sis and mom doesn't know. Don't want to get them worried. I'll tell them after they come back.
Adapting to my illness is not going to be easy but I'll be damn if I'm going to let it rule my life.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Losing my equilibrium and my sanity
My vertigo spells are back. After years of absentia, it's back with a vengence. I now live with the fear of spinning off into limbo at any moment and my inability to regain my equilibrium, and having a drop attack when I'm crossing the road of something. How can I live like this?
I'm been having tinnitus for the past one month plus now and it's killing me. It's like a offline TV station channel in there, and the ringing is 24/7. It's been there since I went swimming at Estella's and it's getting worst. My doctor finally came back to me with a referal letter to UH and I've made an appointment to go see the ENT specialist after Raya. My tinnitus got so bad that my vertigo spells returned yesterday. When I woke up yesterday morning, I felt off. But I thought maybe that it was just my stuffed nose making me feel sick. So I went to work. During lunch, I felt a light numbness start all over my body, I felt disconnected from my surroundings. I felt nothing - no happiness, no fear, no care, nothing. It was as though I was cut off from my own emotions and the only thing I felt was the humming beneath the surface, signalling a vertigo spell. I knew it was a time bomb waiting to go off and I hurried back. The moment I sat down at my desk, the humming beneath my skin increased and I sat perfectly still. Then, a colleague wanted to pass and I had to tip my chair to make way. With that thoughtless action, I spun into limbo. I could not make out where I was, what I was doing. I concentrated hard on the feeling on the soles of my feet and the feeling of the table beneath my palms. I knew I was sitting down, so I concentrated on bringing my spinning vision under control. It took me a long time to bring my world back into order and yet my vision was still constantly moving to the left. A colleague came to ask me for something. I groped into my drawer and handed her whatever she wanted without taking my focus off a word on a document stucked to my cubicle wall. I read that that was the only way to combat vertigo - to find a focus point and just concentrate, and not to close my eyes. I wanted so bad to close my eyes as I was getting very tired, and I was nauseous. I wanted to heave my lunch and it took every ounce of my will not to give in. Every muscle in my body was clenched and I was fast running out of energy. I felt lost. I felt out of control, and I felt like dying.
After an hour plus I think, (the clock was 3.30pm), I got my vertigo under control and it slowly began to fade and retreat beneath the surface - it was still humming. I knew it was just the begining.I felt extremey tired, I wanted to just drop down and sleep for an eternity. I called my sister straight away and I told my superior that I was not feeling well. She asked. I had to tell her what's wrong.
The best thing was that no one noticed. No one noticed that I was sitting as straight as a board and that I was staring only at the wall of my cubicle and not doing work for so long. Is that how my office is? People who doesn't care enough to notice others in distress? I'm glad that no one noticed my weakness but really, for an hour plus?
My night was one episode after another but I finally went to sleep, wrung out. When I woke up again today, I thought that it was over or that I could last the day. I was wrong. By late morning, I was swinging and the humming started again. I called my superior and smsed my Head. Sister came and brought me to see the doctor. I brought along my referal letter and the doctor gave me two days off right away after looking at me.
I'm beginning to believe that I might have Meniere's Disease after all. The symptoms seems to be pointing to it. But I'll have to wait until the specialist confirms it.
But then, I'm still going back to work tomorrow, there's just too many things that needs to be done. If I can't last the day again, I'll just come home. After all I have a MC for two days.
I'm been having tinnitus for the past one month plus now and it's killing me. It's like a offline TV station channel in there, and the ringing is 24/7. It's been there since I went swimming at Estella's and it's getting worst. My doctor finally came back to me with a referal letter to UH and I've made an appointment to go see the ENT specialist after Raya. My tinnitus got so bad that my vertigo spells returned yesterday. When I woke up yesterday morning, I felt off. But I thought maybe that it was just my stuffed nose making me feel sick. So I went to work. During lunch, I felt a light numbness start all over my body, I felt disconnected from my surroundings. I felt nothing - no happiness, no fear, no care, nothing. It was as though I was cut off from my own emotions and the only thing I felt was the humming beneath the surface, signalling a vertigo spell. I knew it was a time bomb waiting to go off and I hurried back. The moment I sat down at my desk, the humming beneath my skin increased and I sat perfectly still. Then, a colleague wanted to pass and I had to tip my chair to make way. With that thoughtless action, I spun into limbo. I could not make out where I was, what I was doing. I concentrated hard on the feeling on the soles of my feet and the feeling of the table beneath my palms. I knew I was sitting down, so I concentrated on bringing my spinning vision under control. It took me a long time to bring my world back into order and yet my vision was still constantly moving to the left. A colleague came to ask me for something. I groped into my drawer and handed her whatever she wanted without taking my focus off a word on a document stucked to my cubicle wall. I read that that was the only way to combat vertigo - to find a focus point and just concentrate, and not to close my eyes. I wanted so bad to close my eyes as I was getting very tired, and I was nauseous. I wanted to heave my lunch and it took every ounce of my will not to give in. Every muscle in my body was clenched and I was fast running out of energy. I felt lost. I felt out of control, and I felt like dying.
After an hour plus I think, (the clock was 3.30pm), I got my vertigo under control and it slowly began to fade and retreat beneath the surface - it was still humming. I knew it was just the begining.I felt extremey tired, I wanted to just drop down and sleep for an eternity. I called my sister straight away and I told my superior that I was not feeling well. She asked. I had to tell her what's wrong.
The best thing was that no one noticed. No one noticed that I was sitting as straight as a board and that I was staring only at the wall of my cubicle and not doing work for so long. Is that how my office is? People who doesn't care enough to notice others in distress? I'm glad that no one noticed my weakness but really, for an hour plus?
My night was one episode after another but I finally went to sleep, wrung out. When I woke up again today, I thought that it was over or that I could last the day. I was wrong. By late morning, I was swinging and the humming started again. I called my superior and smsed my Head. Sister came and brought me to see the doctor. I brought along my referal letter and the doctor gave me two days off right away after looking at me.
I'm beginning to believe that I might have Meniere's Disease after all. The symptoms seems to be pointing to it. But I'll have to wait until the specialist confirms it.
But then, I'm still going back to work tomorrow, there's just too many things that needs to be done. If I can't last the day again, I'll just come home. After all I have a MC for two days.