My heart is breaking.
I have just finished cleaning out Patches' infected ears. There is pus mixed with blood. There are maggots and they have eaten their way deep into his ear canal and maybe his brains. I fear his time with me will come to an end soon.
I am now back in Kota Bharu for my father's anniversary dinner that my mom is throwing for our family. It will be a gathering of relatives and good food. But it's going to be a sad time for me.
After picking my sister and I from the airport, my mom dropped the bombshell in the car that Patches is heading for the worst.
I'm so worried now after seeing for myself how bad he is. The moment I got back, I examined him. What I saw horrified me. He looks so weak and sick. He is so dirty with that blue stuff (medication to prevent flies from nesting) all over him, plus the pus that is oozing out from his ears and coating his fur into clumps. He barely acknowledged me when last time he used to walk circles around me and wait for me at the door everyday. Now he barely has the energy nor senses to even lift his head to look at me. All he could do was to take in my scent and moved his head almost imperceptively nearer to my hand.
The combination of iodine, bug powder and pus is so bad that when I got my first whiff, it knocked me for six. There were so much yellow pus that sort of looked like salad dressing coz it was mixed with iodine, pus and the powdery stuff. The frothing pool of pus was merely camouflaging the horror beneath it's surface - the black pin-prick size heads of the maggots with bloated bodies slotted neatly side by side when they all tried to crawl out and escape the killing iodine but was stuck as they were too fat to get out. I drained his ear as much as I could and I went in with the tweezers. The horrible creatures were so deep inside that when I pulled them out, there were these resistant suction feelings. Sometimes I pulled out maggots, sometimes I pulled out bleached pieces of dead flesh, and I even pulled out pieces of his cartilage... yet there were no reaction from Patches. He truly feels nothing in his maggot-ridden ears.
This is not my first encounter with maggots. Far from it as I first did this regime of cleaning and tweezing when I was 14 with Tiny. Tiny never recovered fully as he was too old to heal fast enough. I fear the same fate awaits Patches but this time I might not be here to help him. I am contemplating taking a week off work. And it is a critical time now at work. Chances of me getting off is not possible. I think I should just quit. I know I'm not thinking straight right now.
How can I?? I love Patches. He's my baby. He is my best mate. I can't lose him. But I knew that this day would come. I have to admit that I knew that there might be suffering too as he has been having problems with his ears for years now. His age is a factor working against him - 14 human years, 98 dog years. He's old.
I wish I can call someone right now, I just need shoulders to cry on, yet I don't want to let others hear my tears. I feel as though my heart is breaking in two when I think about it... Maybe if I delete this blog, it won't come true.
It's late but I can't sleep. My mind is too full of wonderful memories of love and warmth, with Patches, the horrible sadness of a future without him.
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