Lord, I miss him. I got another email from him again, those inane emails that ask you to answer questions about yourself to sent to your circle of friends types. I have two of that in my inbox yesterday. I haven't decided if I should reply. I hate it when I get all soft and needy like this. Weird, how his email came when I'm this vulnerable.
So yeah, it's been over for a long time, but I think it's hard to forget someone you once thought the world of. Well, actually all others pale before him in terms of connection. I miss that connection and it's so hard to find it again these days. So far, I've not found that bond with anyone else. Yeah, he went a little cookcoo in the end but we had fun. He would have known how to calm me down now.
It's getting harder to convince myself I did the right thing in ending it but if that is the case then I shouldn't be feeling this out of sorts. Yes I know... I have to move on, I know Ihave but it's moments like this when I glance back. Surprised I haven't turned to salt the amount of times I've actually glanced back. *eesh* The dating pool here is like a wading pool for me. At least overseas I have more choices and I'm considered normal sized and *ahem* gorgoues even.=P At least I won't have to fear squashing them like a pancake. Now that's a thought... Date the Malaysian men here, don't like 'em, just squash 'em! Blech...
I hate being ugly. I hate being needy.
And you know what? I think being ugly is affecting my job as a PR Executive. "Who? Sharon? I think I know her but I forget what she looks like... oh anyway, did you see that gorgeous girl Ms X... wahlau, she so damn chum wan! The-"
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Should loyalty be dead?
Is there such a thing as being too loyal to your first real job? That's the question that a friend put to me when he asked why I was not moving on if I was so unsettled at my present company. I couldn't answer him. Yes I am unhappy here, but I'm still staying herre. I admit that, but I don't think it is out of loyalty but rather scared of the unknown and rather losing my 'familiar' zone too. An I am greatly to some extend that they hired me and 'promoted' (read trusted) me to more roles. But then on the other hand I feel as though they are cheating me by with loads of peon work and grunt pay. Isn't it rather perverse? Loving your torturer. There's a name for this syndrome, I forget.
He was saying that I was still young and that hoping was expected of me if I want to raise the level of my pay. I don't feel young. Not anymore. Anyone approaching 30 should have been settled long ago. I don't know if I have a future in this company. I can't help but wonder if they'll just keep piling more work on me but keeping me in the same tax bracket. I want to be taxed more darnit. How long do I stay, I can only determine, when I crack, eventually. One good thing I've learned is that when you think you've reached your limit, you can still go further when there is desperation snapping at your heels...
I should go home now.
He was saying that I was still young and that hoping was expected of me if I want to raise the level of my pay. I don't feel young. Not anymore. Anyone approaching 30 should have been settled long ago. I don't know if I have a future in this company. I can't help but wonder if they'll just keep piling more work on me but keeping me in the same tax bracket. I want to be taxed more darnit. How long do I stay, I can only determine, when I crack, eventually. One good thing I've learned is that when you think you've reached your limit, you can still go further when there is desperation snapping at your heels...
I should go home now.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Happy 28th Birthday Wei Yong!
Hey Wei Yong, just wanted to wish you Happy 28th and I'm so sorry I forgot! *hugs and party streamers and CAKE!*
The cruel hand of TIME
Was talking to Wei Yong and he's turning 28 this year and he had to mentioned that I'll be turning 27! Ack! Omg... I can't believe I'll be 27 in March. And I'm still an executive. *sigh* Very demoralising this... now I know how he felt last year. I should be senior executive or something by this year... hah... tough luck eh.
Becoming older is quite sobering. I know, I know... I haven't reached the 27 yet but still I am getting older day by day and I'm still where I am. So what I started late. Still the thought... sigh... time and tide does INDEED not wait for no (wo)man. I feel the sand trickling through my fingers and I'm trying my hardest to stem it and enjoy whatever granules I have left in my hand now. The realisation of nearing 30 is shocking. I'm no longer a girl, but a woman. The thing is that I never thought of myself as a woman but as a young adult as I still have my Uni days fresh in my thoughts. Now... it's different. I'm no longer that young. Can I still get away with dressing like a uni student and getting discounts at bookstores? =p
Wow...
The cruel hand of TIME
Was talking to Wei Yong and he's turning 28 this year and he had to mentioned that I'll be turning 27! Ack! Omg... I can't believe I'll be 27 in March. And I'm still an executive. *sigh* Very demoralising this... now I know how he felt last year. I should be senior executive or something by this year... hah... tough luck eh.
Becoming older is quite sobering. I know, I know... I haven't reached the 27 yet but still I am getting older day by day and I'm still where I am. So what I started late. Still the thought... sigh... time and tide does INDEED not wait for no (wo)man. I feel the sand trickling through my fingers and I'm trying my hardest to stem it and enjoy whatever granules I have left in my hand now. The realisation of nearing 30 is shocking. I'm no longer a girl, but a woman. The thing is that I never thought of myself as a woman but as a young adult as I still have my Uni days fresh in my thoughts. Now... it's different. I'm no longer that young. Can I still get away with dressing like a uni student and getting discounts at bookstores? =p
Wow...
Monday, January 17, 2005
An busy start to the week
This past one week has been crazily busy with work and it got tightened up a notch. Today, we have a menteri visiting and touring the studios and the company's facilities. Was running aroung like a crazy horsey, in heels. Neighing at everyone to make sure everything's in place. Yeah, my superior left me in charge so that she could go to The Regent to make sure that everything is set for tomorrow's press conference. Yeah, we have another event tomorrow, so close to today. On top of that, I had a photoshoot for a new programme lined up at 6pm. After an hour is directing that, went back to the crazy neighing again, except this time quietly as the CEO came down and told us a new suggestion. So there we were scrambling to get the new idea to fruitation. It was okay in the end. At least I think so. The tour is still happening downstairs. Thank god I don't have to be there to escort the menteri, only the big bosses get that privilege.
Anyway, am waiting for the printer to be free so that I can start work on my media kits. One of my colleague is using it to print a lot of somethings. What's more, the poor printer is being worked to death today. The poor thing's jamming every few minutes now. -sigh-
Looks like I'll be here until midnight again...
Anyway, am waiting for the printer to be free so that I can start work on my media kits. One of my colleague is using it to print a lot of somethings. What's more, the poor printer is being worked to death today. The poor thing's jamming every few minutes now. -sigh-
Looks like I'll be here until midnight again...
Sunday, January 09, 2005
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
I finally read The Da Vinci Code today since it's been sitting on my desk long enough, and by gosh I couldn't for the life of me, put down Dan Brown's book until the 489th page. Half an hour later, I was sitting there trying to assimilate and sort through the almost incomprehensible paradox that Dan Brown has presented to the world through the mass media. I've no doubt that some of the compelling facts in there are noteworthy but the one fact that I couldn't let my mind rest on was the allegation that Jesus was not a Divine Being, that Jesus, the Son of God was a mere mortal, a descendant of King Solomon. I've been brought up believing that He is indeed a Divine Being. But being born into a protestant church, I've my doubts and suspicions about the Catholic Church. I do not believe that our connection to God is through a structure of an organisation or another person, I've always been taught that we are all connected to God. All we need to do is to talk to him personally and He hears us. As humans, it is hard for us to accept certain intangible things - we seem to need to touch and see something before we will ourselves to believe. We indeed to do fear the unknown and unseen, or rather we fear the known and unacceptable fact that is thrust into our faces at times.
I've cannot close my mind to that pertinent fact though that Jesus might just be a man after all, that he was not born of an immaculate conception. Dan Brown presents a very powerful argument. It is hard to write this book off as just another fictional and baseless book. Thought it is probably half-truths presented in a way that is most compelling, but no doubt these suggestions were facts in one point of time or another. Most intresting. We all love a good conspiracy, don't we? ;-)
I can certainly accept the fact that our world used to be matriarchal instead or patriarchal, and that the Catholic Church felt threatened enough and it's certainly powerful enough, to erase history by besmirching other religions and deemed itself holy and other beliefs paganistic and away from The Path. That woman was important and if not above man. That the Bible is the greatest fictional work of all. There was a line that said that the Bible was not faxed from Heaven but it is a work by man. Very amusing when I read that.
Certainly, the history of the Catholic Church is steeped in blood and gore, and lately with scandals of the sexual abuse of choirboys, one can only hope that Dan Brown's fictional work is indeed fiction. The Catholic Church is painted with red in The Da Vinci Code, no wonder they reacted explosively when the book came out and critics trumpeted it as a masterpiece.
As with all fictional works, it is fiction, not real, But it is quite fun to read with so many amazing twists and turns to the story. It's is quite cleverly written and well thought out. Just the thing to challenge your mind and beliefs an let your mind expand tantalisingly beyond boundaries.
Many have made a trade of delusions and false miracles, deceiving the stupid multitude.
~ Leonardo Da Vinci ~
I've cannot close my mind to that pertinent fact though that Jesus might just be a man after all, that he was not born of an immaculate conception. Dan Brown presents a very powerful argument. It is hard to write this book off as just another fictional and baseless book. Thought it is probably half-truths presented in a way that is most compelling, but no doubt these suggestions were facts in one point of time or another. Most intresting. We all love a good conspiracy, don't we? ;-)
I can certainly accept the fact that our world used to be matriarchal instead or patriarchal, and that the Catholic Church felt threatened enough and it's certainly powerful enough, to erase history by besmirching other religions and deemed itself holy and other beliefs paganistic and away from The Path. That woman was important and if not above man. That the Bible is the greatest fictional work of all. There was a line that said that the Bible was not faxed from Heaven but it is a work by man. Very amusing when I read that.
Certainly, the history of the Catholic Church is steeped in blood and gore, and lately with scandals of the sexual abuse of choirboys, one can only hope that Dan Brown's fictional work is indeed fiction. The Catholic Church is painted with red in The Da Vinci Code, no wonder they reacted explosively when the book came out and critics trumpeted it as a masterpiece.
As with all fictional works, it is fiction, not real, But it is quite fun to read with so many amazing twists and turns to the story. It's is quite cleverly written and well thought out. Just the thing to challenge your mind and beliefs an let your mind expand tantalisingly beyond boundaries.
Many have made a trade of delusions and false miracles, deceiving the stupid multitude.
~ Leonardo Da Vinci ~
Monday, January 03, 2005
Besieged by phantoms
It's the new year of 2005 and I'm besieged by indecisions again about my job. I despair. I've been brooding about this for so long. Anyone can see that I'm very unhappy.
I know it's normal thought not good to dread going back to work but I did feel that last night. And I couldn't sleep. And when I did sleep, my slumber was disturb by horrible dreams that ended with a nightmare. I dreamt that i came up with a new solution to promote our show and it was so simple and wildly affective. Then the next thing I knew, I dreamt I woke up and there was a weird relationship between Patches and an alien artifact. In the end, someone tried to kidnap Patches with mind control but I managed to pull him back. But then some preacher type person came and cursed patches and said he would die by 9pm tonight. Then Patches started thrashing. I was so enraged that I whiped out a machete from somewhere and slashed the person to a pulp, all the while his sinister laugh continued long after he was dead. I started awake when the man started becoming a mush. My heart was pounding so fast and strong that I could hear it in my ears. I was afraid to move for a few seconds thinking that I was in danger, thinking that I might still be dreaming.
I woke up feeling that I know that this is not the job for me, that I was unhappy, that I was wasting my time learning a craft that I have no interest in, that I was gonna resigned today, that I knew I could be happy elsewhere like working at Club Med or going overseas to work in an animal santuary. As long as I didn't have to work under the Queen Bee and her unroyal subjects.
"Not everyone is lucky enough to like their job. So stop being a sissy!" I tell myself. But how long do I flog this dead horse? Or is the horse really dead for that matter? Or maybe the horse hasn't really live yet to be dead so soon.
God help me please...
I know it's normal thought not good to dread going back to work but I did feel that last night. And I couldn't sleep. And when I did sleep, my slumber was disturb by horrible dreams that ended with a nightmare. I dreamt that i came up with a new solution to promote our show and it was so simple and wildly affective. Then the next thing I knew, I dreamt I woke up and there was a weird relationship between Patches and an alien artifact. In the end, someone tried to kidnap Patches with mind control but I managed to pull him back. But then some preacher type person came and cursed patches and said he would die by 9pm tonight. Then Patches started thrashing. I was so enraged that I whiped out a machete from somewhere and slashed the person to a pulp, all the while his sinister laugh continued long after he was dead. I started awake when the man started becoming a mush. My heart was pounding so fast and strong that I could hear it in my ears. I was afraid to move for a few seconds thinking that I was in danger, thinking that I might still be dreaming.
I woke up feeling that I know that this is not the job for me, that I was unhappy, that I was wasting my time learning a craft that I have no interest in, that I was gonna resigned today, that I knew I could be happy elsewhere like working at Club Med or going overseas to work in an animal santuary. As long as I didn't have to work under the Queen Bee and her unroyal subjects.
"Not everyone is lucky enough to like their job. So stop being a sissy!" I tell myself. But how long do I flog this dead horse? Or is the horse really dead for that matter? Or maybe the horse hasn't really live yet to be dead so soon.
God help me please...
