I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other day and in the scene where Meredith's dad, Thatcher meets Derek in the laundry room after Izzie accidentally blew a fuse, Derek confides to Thatcher that although Meredith is very difficult to handle, she's worth it. This got me thinking that I've never met anyone who was "worth it". None of the guys I've met made me want to dig deeper, discover more, find out what makes them tick, and how they are put together. And with all that, suffer through it all to find the goodness and core beauty of it all. None of them were worth it. I find this lack of enthusiasm worrying for myself now. What if there is an almost perfect person out there for me, but because of my lack of interest, I lose him. But then again, where is the truth that the divine universe, with its infinite stewardship of all things in existence, would have the time to find me the one perfect person to ensure my happiness? Is there such a thing as a Soul Mate? Pshaw. Such privilege of divine intervention only falls into backyards of the skinny & kittenish.
I used to be enthusiastic, and optimistic, and I slept the moment my head touched the pillow. Hah. Not anymore. Nowadays, I have insomnia, I've grown up and I'm cynical and suspicious of anyone who tries to get near. That, I've realised, is just too sad.
I see friends taking risks in their love lives. Some hit the motherloads and some are sadly blinded, to let go even though the guy is just not worth the dust beneath her shoes. But one thing I do admire about my friends is that they dare to take the leap. I not only do not dare, but the moment I find a flaw, I throw whatever is it that I have, away. I've become so unforgiving that it is no longer about not suffering fools, but rather more of unrealistic lofty expectations. This protective recoil not only covers my scarce dealings with potential lovers but also the other people around me. What have I become?
Which brings me to the next shattering question: Am I worth it? Maybe to a compatible mate, I might be. I'm beginning to think to hell with it all.
